WE'RE BACK: King's Choice Smoked Gouda

Hey there, Cheese Chasers! Sorry it’s been awhile since the last post, but as we all know, good cheese don’t grow on trees. If it did, then even pussy vegans could eat it.

However, I am proud to announce that CheesenoChaser is back on track, and fully stocked for the coming weeks. Be on the lookout for updates from Havarti to Limburger. The cheese drawer is ready for some business time… and there ain’t nothing wrong with a lil’ bump and rind.

Baaazzzzziinnnngg.

So without further adieu, I present this week’s selection:

King’s Choice Smoked Cheese

“Gouda Style”

-Cow’s Milk

-Aged 1-2 months

-Imported from Germany, named for Gouda in the Netherlands

There’s an old saying that goes, “God does not give with both hands.” Inevitably, hot people like Matthew McConaughey will continue to piss me off with their awfulness, and great men like Abraham Lincoln will continue to be ugly as sin.¹ It’s the nature of the universe.

Such is the case with King’s Choice Smoked Gouda: a trophy cheese. The kind of cheese you pay 300 bucks an hour to be your date for a high school reunion, to finally show that asshole Brad you have what it takes to be a man. For sure, this delectable, milky temptress will seduce you from across the bar. Your buds concur: solid 9 out of 10.

However, once you’ve sat down for a drink with this waxy rind whore, it becomes clear the one-dimensional nature of your relationship, squashing any hopes of romantic potential. Indeed, King’s Choice may be fit for a King… if that ruler was King John!²

All ridiculous, hit-and-miss comedy aside, this cheese is certainly great to look at. Slightly waxy, fairly malleable, smooth, rubbery, and coated in a delicious deep Autumn rind, King’s Choice is a good everyday cheese selection. The smell is subtle, but robust and definitely recognizable, like the sweet smokiness left on a sweater after last night’s bonfire. King’s scent is indicative of the rich smokehouse flavor to come.

Unfortunately, as foreshadowed by the hour spent at the bar with King’s Choice, discussing the critical significance of Wicked on Broadway, this cheese is nothing to write home about. Biting into this Gouda is like Maroon 5; if I forget my iPod in the car, I’ll listen to it… but I’m not exactly happy about it.

Similarly, King’s Choice isn’t a complex flavor. It’s creamy and rich, with a smoky aftertaste: straightforward, but this cheese definitely votes Republican. Overall, King’s Choice is a good everyday filler cheese, with a rich rind, and we gave it 2 out of 5 cubes.

¹This is the first time that these two names have been included in the same sentence in the history of mankind.

²The douchebag from the legend of Robin Hood, brother to King Richard the Lionhearted (who wouldn’t be caught dead eating this cheese), widely understood to be the worst King of all time, in part due to his defeat at Normandy. He suffered a military defeat to the French. The fucking French. C’mon.

Welcome, Asiagonites, to Cheese No Chaser. FIRST REVIEW: Dubliner, the Irish Temptress

Welcome fans to Cheese No Chaser: the highest authority on all things coagulated and delicious. Unapologetic, committed to truthiness, and arguably one of the most ruggedly handsome cheese blogs in existence, this place is no playground for the lactose intolerant.

This is Chaser's first review. Your welcome.

Prepare to enter the no-vegan zone (get it?)

Dubliner

"Aged with a distinct taste"

-Cow's Milk

-Aged 12 months

-Imported from Ireland

Looking at Dubliner on an extensive cheese rack, this little Irish brick wouldn’t look like anything extraordinary. In fact, I’d imagine that if I introduced lil’ Dubliner to George Bluth Sr., of the immortal Arrested Development, he might respond with a classic, “her?” But, unlike Anne Veal, Dubliner is a modest looker worth much more than meets the eye.

And it won’t run off with your uncle.

Laying hands on this pale little cheese for the first time was interesting. The thin powdery layers were mildly spongy, pliable and resilient. This is a cheese that bends before it breaks. And while certainly not a soft cheese, Dubliner is definitely the right amount of tear on first bite. Looking at the soft white, I recalled an episode of Doug, where Doug desperately wants Sky Davis Air Jet shoes, but learns that he’s much happier with his comfortable old sneakers.

There are a lot of Sky Davis Air cheeses in the world, but Dubliner is definitely an old friend.

Dubliner’s scent is far from strong, but rather, a subtle and enticing aroma. The kind of cheese that you never second-guess taking a bite of, for sure. When cut with a knife, the delicate outer layer crumbles, releasing a rich but certainly not overpowering olfactory treat.

Like anyone who has ever had sex with Jessica Alba, this cheese has nothing to prove.

Finally biting into a slice of Dubliner is like the 3^rd date of any sitcom relationship. From first look , to first kiss, to finally going all the way, this cheese-tease is definitely more than a one night stand. After an initial shyness, Dubliner begins rolling over the tongue in waves of flavor. Tart at the beginning, this Irish lass begs to be courted, revealing more and more as time drifts by. Distinctly, Dubliner clings to the palette, leaving a rich and pleasant aftertaste: the cool cigarette after a tryst of passion.

Closing your eyes with Dubliner on the tongue is an experience. I found myself teleported to the icy face of a sheer cliff, 500 yards below the summit. I felt cold and afraid at first, being somewhere so new, but the Dubliner on my tongue was warm; it’s the last of my provisions, packed by my beloved back home. She’s a milk maid, and the Dubliner is as smooth as her skin.

After some deliberation, Cheese No Chaser gave Dubliner 4 out of 5 cubes. It’s good to know that if the Irish run out of beer, they can still get drunk on cheese.